A Grandmothers Funeral

Today I went to a funeral.
A funeral of a lady who I had never met.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not a person who hunts out funerals just so I can have a good cry!
No, this lady was someone who needed help to maintain her garden, so my husband very happily obliged.

She was a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother.
And she was so well loved
And that made me so very sad because it really hit me as to how bad our situation was.
So I shed tears at a funeral of a lady who I had never met !

Grandchildren spoke about how much they loved their Nan. They spoke about how they loved to share their achievements with their Nan. Yes they got great enjoyment about letting their Nan be the first person to learn of their special news.

And you know what !

We are not even allowed to know anything about the achievements of our grandchildren.
It seems like they are not encouraged to "ring Nan and Pop " to share their news. And not even in our world where electronic media is everywhere, to send an email.
We find out at a later date that they have excelled at a sports carnival or been chosen to be a leader at school.

I wonder what our grandchildren will remember about us. Will they remember the great hot potato chips that Poppy cooked to go with the home made meat pie.

Will they remember the box of strawberry frogs that we always had in the cupboard for those special treats.

Or will they remember that there was a time when they were denied a relationship with us. A time when the school holiday sleepovers stopped because they were sent to another relative.
A time when all those  family gatherings no longer include Nan and Pop; the grandparents who had been with them from the day they were born.

As they mature they will quickly learn how and why their lives changed.

I wonder what part Karma will play in the future.

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Confrontation

Confrontation exists but it needs to be managed so everyone can be content in life.

Confrontation.
So what is confrontation ?
How would you explain the meaning of  confrontation ?
I guess we would all have a general idea of what confrontation means. But then I think some of us would define it differently to others.

Some would call a discussion , confrontation, whereas to me , outright fisticuffs is definitely confrontation. And during a conversation if one side is throwing around words filled with hate and nasty overtones , and you become fearful, then that is confrontation.

And not all  confrontation is a bad thing. It is the way that we deal with it and the way that we let any conflict affect us that is important.

If that confrontation results in a problem being resolved peacefully, then that is a good thing.

I remember all those times when it was " Mother versus toddler ". Oh dear how difficult those arguments were. It is so hard to reason with a toddler !  As a parent you are trying to retain some level of authority which is needed for the peaceful running of the household, but how often does a child have different ideas. So take a moment to think about it.  Do you call this confrontation ?  Interesting isn't it.

There is generally a variety of different types of conflict and confrontation in a household. But children also need to learn, that in the big wide world, there is a hierarchy of authoritarianism and it is up to you to  teach them that throughout life there will be rules that must be obeyed.

Parents need to teach their children the art of conversation so , when they are older, they are able to effectively argue their rights, so they are not walked all over .

Yes, life is tough !

When children commence school they can be faced with nasty kids who can make school days difficult. There can be confrontations, either physical or verbal, in the school ground ,or on the way to or from school. Nowadays schools have plans in place to deal with these situations.

Over the years I have seen many of my friends have quite vocal discussions with their partners. It could be raised voices about something simple like forgetting to put the bin out or not feeding the dog. I do not call this confrontation, but others may. There is no malice or hatred in the words even though voices are raised. But if this type of argument is common place then there is a problem between the pair .

If you have been brought up in a house where the love in that family is long gone, then that will colour the view of life that you will have. Your life may have been filled  with the sounds of raised voices and hatred ; and not the conversations filled with words of love. Which parent do you want to take after ? Which parent do you want to be like ? Ae you frightened that you will take on mannerisms of the nasty parent !

This is where you must take a stand and be determined that you will be a pleasant and likeable member of society.

But there will be times in life when you will need to " man up " And that does not mean that you are being confrontational.  If you are in a restaurant and your meal is not quite right, what do you do. Pay for something that you cannot eat and just decide never to eat there again. Or do you explain the problem to the staff and have it rectified.

There needs to be a time in all our lives when we need to stand up for what we believe in. Not because you want to be a person who starts an argument but because there needs to be a time that you need to look after yourself.

Imagine how mentally down trodden you would feel if you just let people walk all over you , if you had no choice in anything that did affect you. Just because you believed that if you spoke up that you would be marked as a confrontational person. I wonder what sort of relationship it would be if  one person was making all the decisions, because one partner has a stronger personality than the other.  I would think that the relationship would eventually fail.

In any marriage or partnership their needs to be discussions to resolve problems that are arising. These are not confrontations. These are discussions. Yes, maybe the voices get raised. But at the end there will generally be a resolution. I have been married for 43 years and yes, we have had some heated discussions, but I have never called them confrontations.

Sadly I have seen some nasty and hate filled conversations between married couples. Where one partner enjoys putting the other one down in front of friends or family. A truly mentally abusive relationship, and a very nasty way to be confrontational.

So the trick is to learn how to manage confrontation. It is out there, and it is very difficult to stay away from. There will be times when you can walk away but there will also be times when you need to be able to reason through a problem, not just ignore it and hide away from it

As it will still be there. And it will forever eat at you if it is not resolved.

When you have resolved a major problem by sitting and talking it through, then you will feel very content and mentally relaxed.

Be strong

                                             Sit and discuss it, as silence solves nothing !

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Parenthood - There is no manual

A child. A parent. A Grandparent. Here I am, now in my 60's and I have had the greatest pleasure to  have been all three.
And as such I have lived through many changes
Growing up in the 1950's and 1960's life was so much different to what it is now.
We sat at the table to eat our meals, which were all home cooked. Take away was fish n chips but was a rarity. A casual night was allowed occasionally to sit and eat while watching the tele. We never questioned the gifts that we received for birthdays or Christmas as we knew that our parents did the best they could with the little that they had. I called my teachers by their full name, definitely no first name basis back then. And any family friends were addressed as Mr or Mrs or if they were a very close family friend then they became Aunt .. or Uncle..
This, we were told was a way to show respect to your elders.
We also did not question our elders. Yes, how hard was our life ! We did what we were told: when we were told. We did not dare say  " I'll do it later "

August 25 1973

So, now, as a parent, where is the instruction manual.
How do you know the correct way to take on any of these roles?
I did not take part in a course and then be presented with a certificate that states that I passed with flying colours.
There is no course. There is no manual.
We all do the best we can.

Our son. November 1981

A child is taught how to behave by their parents. From the moment it enters the world it's loving parents will need to teach it right from wrong, and if they don't , then life will be difficult for both child and adult.  These precious little babies will learn how to make their parents' hearts melt. And who's heart does not melt when you are looking at that innocent little face. But that sweet little being will quickly learn that a cry will bring Mum or Dad running , so parents need to work out  when something is wrong,  or if this sweet little being , perhaps  , just may be trying to have Mum and Dad on a little bit of string. It is parents that teach their children manners and respect. And it is parents who encourage  their children to  try new foods and exciting new activities. What a job a parent has! Children will disobey them and call them names  as well as blame them for every little thing that goes wrong.. But parents do the best job they can, many under very difficult circumstances. You do not need loads of money to be a good parent. If you can give your children food and water, clean clothes and a warm bed and protection from the elements, with kind words, hugs and love thrown in, then you have succeeded.
Some parents are lucky enough to still have their own Mum and Dad around to guide them through parenthood. But often, if the elder person makes a suggestion, they are told to " butt out ! as what would you know ! "
Why, when children reach adulthood , do they blame you for giving them such a perceived bad upbringing. Ask any parent " Did you do the best you could ? " And the answer will be a resounding Yes !. Sewing clothes and home baking were always money saving activities   that many mothers undertook. I spent many hours sewing casual clothes and school uniforms and have now been told that those home sewn clothes somehow caused long term problems . In hindsight I should have shopped at the "Op " shop. It would have been cheaper.
We as parents, supported after school hobbies and activities. Many weekends it meant beginning a journey in the dark, after earning enough money to go, by putting in hours at work the previous day. Sadly, now I wonder why we bothered. Should I really think this way. As I always believed that we did the best we could.

The birth of grandchild no. 4

So gorgeous. Such a happy smile

Now we are grandparents and again, there is no " how to " manual. We have been with four of our five grandchildren from the day they entered the world. We have given our grand children love  and attention. We have read books and created some outstanding art work. ( Well my opinion, anyway )  Together we have watched the new growth of vegies in the garden and enjoyed tasting the end result. We have baked together and kicked back on the couch watching the same movie over and over again. Danced like a crazy lady and sung nursery rhymes out loud  and very, very badly. All those fun things that you do with grandkids that make you feel so much younger.
But no, there is no manual.
The things we do, we do out of love. The love for our children. The love for our grandchildren


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Depression is black ..........

A sudden death

Gordon Daniel Kairn was just walking along the street,  like he did many times. It was January 1991. He was 63. Not even old enough to claim the age pension. Then Bam ! So suddenly!  Just like that . Oh yes the paramedics worked hard to bring some life back into his body. Hoping to restore some colour to his skin and a bit of fresh air to his lungs. Just  to have him hooked up to a machine for a few days. Then the machine was turned off. And we waited ; sat in the dark and very quiet hospital; and waited. And the inevitable happened. And he was gone. No goodbyes. Nothing. Oh yes we could talk to him but the conversation was one sided. All those stories went with him. All those questions  would no longer be answered.

This photo was taken a few weeks before Dad died

Dad no longer held a drivers licence ( that is another story ) but if he needed to get somewhere he would con a friend or family member ,or use the bus. Many times he caught the last bus to Kangaroo Flat and talked the bus driver into taking a detour. Yep, out of our kitchen window we would see the bus coming up the side street, totally off the normal bus route. It would stop at the corner and out he would hop, then wander down our driveway to have a chat with his grandkids before having a snooze in the recliner. Then it was up to us to drive him to his next destination.

 If there was no form of transport available when he needed it,  he walked. We still laugh about his common saying " You can walk anywhere " And yes you can. So taking a long walk was not foreign to him. It was in fact a  pretty natural occurrence.

A visit when we lived in Golden Square

My father was a big man . He worked hard. He enjoyed his food. And he loved his alcohol. I did not like the man that he was when he had overdone  the  beer intake. But addiction does destroy peoples lives and I believe that he was addicted to alcohol. His drinking did slow down in the later years. I wonder if underneath, he knew that it was destroying his health. To him, having a health check up was going to the chemist and having his blood pressure taken.

Dad loved giving Gyp a ride on Trixie. And he loved it when any of the family dropped in for a visit

But he was my father and I respected him. And I knew that it was the alcohol that changed him. And I was very determined to never marry someone who drank beer. And I succeeded.

When he was alcohol free you could have a great discussion with him. I did not always agree with him but that is what made for such stimulating conversation. All those Hawthorn versus Essendon conversations.

He loved his grandkids, and enjoyed showing them how to do things. Or explain the many things scattered around his workshop. He was the typical  proud grandfather and loved to see any of his grandchildren achieve  excellence in anything that they did.
We could never stop him from spending time with his grandkids. How cruel would that be. He loved them . And was proud of them. If he was still alive I wonder what he would be thinking . I think he would be so disappointed in what has happened to his family.

Life is short.  Think before you decide to cut someone out as you never know what tomorrow will bring. 

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Growing up with Domestic Violence

On Sunday 28th May a show about domestic violence, with Ray Martin as host, aired on
Channel 7.
I watched; and I cried
Why ?
Why would a TV show affect me so much.

Because I thought of my Mother as she was a victim of domestic violence.

In the early years Mum and Dad were happy

In my younger years people kept their home lives secret, so abuse was never spoken about.

But times have changed and now victims of domestic violence will talk about their problems , and are encouraged to do so.

Growing up, myself and my siblings were witness to violence and abuse.
Do you ever recover from seeing your mother sprawled out on the floor from a well timed
back hand ?
Night after night  the raised voices, the thumping of an item hitting the wall or the violence being metered out, kept all of us kids awake. But what could we do ? We were powerless to stop it. The only thing we could do was comfort Mum after the perpetrator left the house.
Many nights the smallest problem would quickly escalate and  then  a violent encounter ensued.

Due to most of the household income being spent on alcohol there was no other choice but for Mum to go to work, which included shift work  And all this did was complicate things ,as some times Dad was required to be home at a certain time, as Mum was due at work . The arguments and physical abuse would begin again and it was not uncommon for Mum to turn up at work with bruises visible and red eyes from the crying. How did she ever manage to maintain her job !

I wonder how she felt leaving us kids at home. Not that I believe Dad would ever have hurt us. Not physically any way.

When  Mum was working night shift we were left to design ways to look out for each other.
Numerous nights us kids would hear  our fathers car coming up the road and have to make a mad dash to bed in fear, climbing in fully clothed, lights out and holding on to the blankets very tightly so they could not be pulled back, or else that unlucky one would be made to get up and cook a meal and put up with the loud and threatening yelling.

These encounters never leave your memory.

Just before my Nana died I was allowed to accompany Mum to Melbourne to make, what turned out to be, the final visit to see her in hospital. I think I must have been in my early teens and to see my Nana the way she was , was very distressing, but it was also good to say goodbye. It was a very sad day.
Yes cancer sucks !

My Nana loved her garden and pansies bordered her long driveway

On returning  back home the reception was far from friendly. We had been driven back home by Mums brother. Walking up the front steps we could hear the yelling and just missed the salt shaker that came hurtling through the front window with glass shattering all over the concrete verandah.
Poor Uncle Bill was so concerned about leaving  Mum there and  heading back home to Melbourne.

My Nana and my Mum

Mind you our life was not all bad . At least I am lucky enough to remember some good times.

It was only bad when too much alcohol was consumed.

And as the years moved on the amount of alcohol consumed seemed to increase.

The mental and physical abuse also increased  and his controlling behaviour became unbearable.

I remember when Mum finally had the mental strength to leave. I had been married for a few months so there was only my younger siblings left at home. My  brother feared that he would be left behind and it took quite a bit of convincing to make him realise that he would also be making the move to a quieter and safer environment.  Back in the 1970's there was no help available, so she was left to manage as best she could, with the help of her friends. She purchased second hand furniture and had the house all set up so it was a quick move with clothes only
Even when she did leave and get settled he still harassed her but at least the physical violence stopped.
Unfortunately she only had six years of relative peace before she passed away.

It is difficult to explain the long term effects of living in a household where abuse was a common everyday occurrence.
The one thing I find  distressing is to watch television adverts about family violence and I admit that I did not watch the entire show that aired  last Sunday.

Unfortunately domestic violence is rife in modern day partnerships. And it is not only men abusing women. We see men being abused by their female partners. Whether it be physical or verbal.
Some years back our son was abused by a partner and there was no help available. In fact  when he was so stressed and fronted his doctor he was told that it was his fault. And the times when he called the police for help he was the one told to leave the house, leaving his child behind, even though they could hear her abusing him.

But if victims are aware that help exists  and are prepared to access that help, and access it quickly then just maybe some lives will be saved .
Yes there needs to be more done but not just for women but for men as well as both need as much help and support  as is available

May all those who's lives have been taken by domestic violence Rest In Peace

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Ray Martin Dark Secrets: Australia's Hidden Shame

Domestic violence

Channel 7