Saturday, 3 June 2017

Growing up with Domestic Violence

On Sunday 28th May a show about domestic violence, with Ray Martin as host, aired on
Channel 7.
I watched; and I cried
Why ?
Why would a TV show affect me so much.

Because I thought of my Mother as she was a victim of domestic violence.


In the early years Mum and Dad were happy
In my younger years people kept their home lives secret, so abuse was never spoken about.

But times have changed and now victims of domestic violence will talk about their problems , and are encouraged to do so.

Growing up, myself and my siblings were witness to violence and abuse.
Do you ever recover from seeing your mother sprawled out on the floor from a well timed
back hand ?
Night after night  the raised voices, the thumping of an item hitting the wall or the violence being metered out, kept all of us kids awake. But what could we do ? We were powerless to stop it. The only thing we could do was comfort Mum after the perpetrator left the house.
Many nights the smallest problem would quickly escalate and  then  a violent encounter ensued.

Due to most of the household income being spent on alcohol there was no other choice but for Mum to go to work, which included shift work  And all this did was complicate things ,as some times Dad was required to be home at a certain time, as Mum was due at work . The arguments and physical abuse would begin again and it was not uncommon for Mum to turn up at work with bruises visible and red eyes from the crying. How did she ever manage to maintain her job !

I wonder how she felt leaving us kids at home. Not that I believe Dad would ever have hurt us. Not physically any way.

When  Mum was working night shift we were left to design ways to look out for each other.
Numerous nights us kids would hear  our fathers car coming up the road and have to make a mad dash to bed in fear, climbing in fully clothed, lights out and holding on to the blankets very tightly so they could not be pulled back, or else that unlucky one would be made to get up and cook a meal and put up with the loud and threatening yelling.

These encounters never leave your memory.

Just before my Nana died I was allowed to accompany Mum to Melbourne to make, what turned out to be, the final visit to see her in hospital. I think I must have been in my early teens and to see my Nana the way she was , was very distressing, but it was also good to say goodbye. It was a very sad day.
Yes cancer sucks !


My Nana loved her garden and pansies bordered her long driveway
On returning  back home the reception was far from friendly. We had been driven back home by Mums brother. Walking up the front steps we could hear the yelling and just missed the salt shaker that came hurtling through the front window with glass shattering all over the concrete verandah.
Poor Uncle Bill was so concerned about leaving  Mum there and  heading back home to Melbourne.
My Nana and my Mum

Mind you our life was not all bad . At least I am lucky enough to remember some good times.
It was only bad when too much alcohol was consumed.
And as the years moved on the amount of alcohol consumed seemed to increase.

The mental and physical abuse also increased  and his controlling behaviour became unbearable.

I remember when Mum finally had the mental strength to leave. I had been married for a few months so there was only my younger siblings left at home. My  brother feared that he would be left behind and it took quite a bit of convincing to make him realise that he would also be making the move to a quieter and safer environment.  Back in the 1970's there was no help available, so she was left to manage as best she could, with the help of her friends. She purchased second hand furniture and had the house all set up so it was a quick move with clothes only
Even when she did leave and get settled he still harassed her but at least the physical violence stopped.
Unfortunately she only had six years of relative peace before she passed away.



It is difficult to explain the long term effects of living in a household where abuse was a common everyday occurrence.
The one thing I find  distressing is to watch television adverts about family violence and I admit that I did not watch the entire show that aired  last Sunday.

Unfortunately domestic violence is rife in modern day partnerships. And it is not only men abusing women. We see men being abused by their female partners. Whether it be physical or verbal.
Some years back our son was abused by a partner and there was no help available. In fact  when he was so stressed and fronted his doctor he was told that it was his fault. And the times when he called the police for help he was the one told to leave the house, leaving his child behind, even though they could hear her abusing him.

But if victims are aware that help exists  and are prepared to access that help, and access it quickly then just maybe some lives will be saved .
Yes there needs to be more done but not just for women but for men as well as both need as much help and support  as is available


May all those who's lives have been taken by domestic violence Rest In Peace


💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔


Ray Martin Dark Secrets: Australia's Hidden Shame
Domestic violence
Channel 7




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