4 AM again

Wide awake at 4AM.       Again.!!!!

And believe me it is not the time that I prefer to be awake.

Why is 4 AM the time that my brain says come on now, rise and shine
Is it because my mind is racing, and going over the things that have happened in the past, or may happen in the future.
Try as I might, my brain will not slow down.

Now I know that some people like to be awake early  and would enjoy being wide awake right about now.

But I find this time of morning just a little bit too early.

There are some days that I relish being up early.
To sit in the quiet while enjoying a nice strong Moccona coffee.
Listening to the world starting to awake.

The birds let us know that the day is going to start.
And the sky shows a bright pink where the sun will soon poke through.

But it makes the day so long.
So many more hours to sit and wonder about days to come and days long gone.
Days of laughter now gone.
Days of fun loving grandkids dropping by for a surprise visit.
Now gone .

But I tell my inner self that I  must take " the bull by the horns " and gather together some strength to change my mindset.
Drag myself up out of the " feel sorry for yourself " gloom and doom.

Plan something to do.
Begin that project that has been on the back burner for some time.
Get organised to head out for that lovely exhilarating  walk where you can enjoy the simple things in the neighbourhood.

Nothing will ever change the way I have been treated but I need to change the way it affects me.
If I continue to sit and wonder "how did this all happen ?" then it will drag me right down.
And then I am  no good for anyone, myself included

                                       

Already to awake from morning cuddles and start the day

A family of ducks out for a stroll. How nice would it be to be able to do such a simple thing again

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I will never stop dreaming

  It happens.!
All of a sudden !
When you least expect it !

One day you may be walking aimlessly around the shopping centre when you see a child with the same colour hair, with waves hitting their shoulders.
You stop and stare, but then the head  turns and you realise that this child belongs to someone else's family.
And not yours.!

So many times this happens.
It does not need to be the type of hair.
It can be the height or mannerisms. The crazy dancing along a street or supermarket aisle.
How do you stop being shattered every time this happens.
As each time it hurts that little bit more as the realisation sets in.

It is grief.
Just like when a loved one dies.
Only when someone dies you know that it is final. You can see the coffin enter the ground or attend the cremation.
That moment is final.

To have grandchildren just pulled away from you is so much harder because you always wonder.
Is that her up ahead? Or maybe that is him riding the bicycle.

There is no easy answer.

Only ever lots and lots of questions.
Many moments are spent deep in thought and wondering will things ever be returned to what they were.
And many,  many tears are shed

Meerkat family, without a care in the world. Just playing and being loved by each other

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Murray River

South Australia

Adelaide Zoo

Faces

I sit and look at all the faces.
The old and wizened
The young and free.
And the children, their happy faces showing not a care in the world.

All those faces, some on the able bodied and some on those confined to wheelchairs.
What story do they tell ?
How many are struggling.
How many are unwell
Are there any who are unhappy or perhaps lonely.

Life deals many people lots of  problems and so many have huge mountains to climb
Can we see this in their faces or are they very clever at disguising their struggles.
Are the happy smiles just a front to hide the sadness.
A mask so people will not question.
I wonder what question needs to be asked for that mask to be removed
If the veil comes down what emotion will you see in the face.
And if you ask a question can you cope with the answer.

When you see your friends struggling it is difficult to know how to help or what help to offer.
Do you offer support or sympathy, or just a very large listening ear
Do you feel that you should deliver some healthy home made meals or grab a basket of ironing.

My friends have been my rock. They have listened until they are probably very sick of hearing my story.
But they make another cup of  coffee and continue listening without complaint.

Now I have friends who are struggling.
And they, now  are the ones who need listening ears.
So I will be the one supplying the coffee and tissues
I will be the one who sees the struggle in their faces and the sadness in their eyes.

Our faces tell many stories and our eyes show so much sadness
Our eyes are the window to the soul.

In todays world there seems to be more sad faces and  soulless eyes  than happy ones.

                                       

                          The sun sets, but tomorrow is another day. We need to stay strong

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Coffee Club

Lansell Square

Don't be sad on Mothers Day

For all Mothers who did not hear from their children on Mothers Day

A friend wrote this on her Facebook page

                Thank you Julie Kairn

Don't be sad on Mothers Day.

 You haven't heard from your children on Mothers Day! They are too busy! You might get a call or card next week.
When it's too late and no longer matters. It's not ok!
But you have to deal with it ! How ?

Don't allow how you are treated to make you question how good a mother you were. Don't!
You know you did a wonderful job.
You didn't teach them to be selfish and take people for granted.

Weeks before...... Plan your day, make it all about you. Fill it up, fill the day with special things you don't normally do. Fill it with people you care about and people who care about you.
Above all, congratulate yourself for being generous enough and courageous enough to give up 20 years of your life to bring another life into this world and give them all the tools they would need to live a good life.
What an amazing achievement!

 Don't be sad on Mothers Day. Be happy you are amazing!



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An exiled mother's day

Here we are. It is Mother's day.

How do you celebrate Mothers Day ?

It would be so difficult to celebrate these days if your children and /or grandchildren were taken from you through a tragic event. How heartbreaking it would be when  these days come around. I could not comprehend how difficult these days would be. 
What would they give to have those family members back in their lives.

But I am a  mother and grandmother who sits and wonders what happened and why there is no Mothers day celebration with all my grandchildren and children

It is so sad that there are many grandparents who are deprived of the love of their grandchildren.
Special days like Mothers day just add to the sadness and feelings of despair.

Is it a day starting with breakfast in bed and gifts from preschool kids of poorly made presents, but given with such huge smiles and pride , that it does not matter.


If you listen to all the media hype, the commercial side will tell you that you should receive expensive gifts or be rewarded by a meal at a fancy restaurant.
Yes I believe all our special days have become too commercialised, but that is the way the retail world has to try and increase their profits. They make people feel guilty if the most expensive perfume or most fashionable outfit is not purchased.


Mother's day for me was always just a family day where we all got together and shared a meal or just a glass of wine with  a nice platter.
The laughter of grandkids resonating throughout the house was just an enjoyment, not an annoyance.

Now it has all changed.

There is no badly written card or  present from some grandkids.
Not even a phone call or text message from some children.
Why  ????    I ask myself this question many, many times
Would things change if I knew the answer ? Who knows !

As a mother myself I did not give my Mother many Mother's days to celebrate and spend the time with her grandchildren.  I think we had five in total. You see she sadly passed away very suddenly when my daughter, her eldest granddaughter ,was five years old. So from then on my Mothers day included a trip to the cemetery to place flowers on her grave.

My Mother was a very proud and loving Nan. She adored her grandchildren

                                      The last Mothers day card that we gave my Mum

But  every Mothers Day I continued to receive  cards ,  presents , or a welcome phone call ,and it was acknowledged that the day was special.

When grandchildren came along I was then the recipient of gifts, either made or purchased at a kinder or school mothers day stall.
How special did that make you feel. A hand drawn card or a drawing that I could put up on the wall.

So Mothers day now just gives me questions. And I guess that it also gives some of my grandchildren questions.
Do three of my grandchildren ask "What gift are we  buying Nan?  "  or
"When are we going to see Nan ?"
Is it because I could never celebrate many mothers days with my Mother so now my daughters think that it is unimportant to spend the day with the older generation. Perhaps I am now classed as too old and just the silly old matriarch of the family who is no longer important, or maybe I am deemed to be no longer useful !

But to day I had drinks with  lovely friends and two of their three sons , daughter in laws and their grandkids. It was great to see the respect and love that is shown. Fun and laughter and a few crying episodes from the kids.
And these people have dealt with the most profound sadness and emotional lows.
But what  a wonderful afternoon it was to spend time with  people who still have so much love to give.

So my day was not all about sadness.

Our son made me feel special when he rang for a chat and a laugh. My younger sister made sure that I was remembered . And my darling hubby made sure that an outing was in order.
I don't need fancy cards or gifts but being remembered is important
And not being remembered is the biggest hurt of all. !

                                                    My Nanna  -   Winifred Brownfield

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Easter

So how was your Easter ?
Ours was busy !
And the plan was always to make sure it was busy.
When there is a conflict and family dramas it affects everything that you do.
You have to re think every special occasion.
And you have to make every attempt to keep busy.
So come Easter 2017 we made sure that every day we attended a variety of  local festivals or markets.
We had to, or self pity would hit and we would have no capacity to do anything.
Our Easter Sunday actually became a turning point in a way that we did not imagine.
Now calm down, our family drama was not magically resolved.
We spent the Sunday wandering through a heritage display and being in awe of how people coped in performing tasks that we take for granted.
The friendliness that country people share, made  for such an enjoyable day.

                                                  Yummy camp oven scones and billy tea

After the heritage display we shared a lovely coffee and a very rewarding and cathartic chat with a very honest friend.
Sometimes you can have a chat with a friend and leave with a feeling that a weight has been lifted from your heart ,after a variety of subjects have been discussed and problems resolved. Three mature people able to sit around and repair a problem that arose many months ago. No raised voices or anger and apologies offered and accepted. Isn't that the way adults should behave. Thank you Andrew.
Our Sunday evening was spent celebrating Easter with our son and daughter in law and the 6 grandkids. A yummy meal was served and a celebratory wine was the order of the evening. It was fun to check out what Easter Bunny had delivered and to share and devour chocolate.  Happy smiling faces and lots of laughs. I wonder how the kids slept. I reckon they all had a chocolate high.
So do you destroy the happiness and emotional high of Easter Sunday and push your luck by checking out another festival on Easter Monday.
What an agonising decision.
So yes, we decided to go for a drive in the hope and anticipation that we may see  another two of our grandchildren. The feeling was like balancing on a knife edge.
What if you don't see them ? Maybe they won't even speak ! And is it a waste of time as you have no idea that they will even be there. How will you cope if the day is a failure?
But the risk was worth it.
After wandering around for some time and talking with a few people that we knew, we were rewarded with big hugs.
We had seen our grandchildren in the distance and had managed to exchange  a few words with one and only receive a very indiscriminate wave from the other.
They were hanging right back from us, certainly not like years ago: they would knock people over to get  to us to give us a hug.
I have no idea what happened but it was like a switch was turned on as all of a sudden our granddaughter came running over as normal and gave us a very loving and warm hug.
How good did that feel.?The love that flowed was so much more than you could imagine.
Do they see that some family members  ignore  us and look straight through us, if we are anywhere near them?
Will the grandkids learn this behaviour and do the same to people in the future ?
Only time will give the answer.
At least we were able to hand these two precious grandchildren their Easter chocolate.
Unfortunately we still have one Easter gift sitting alone in a cupboard waiting for its recipient.
We have no idea how she is or where she even lives !

It should not be this way !!!

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Blended grandkids

As grandparents we all love, adore and cherish our grandchildren.
They are a special addition to our lives and give us much enjoyment and fulfilment.
We have a feeling of satisfaction knowing that these little beings are the newest branches of the family tree.
We all enjoy this exciting time and relish in the pleasure  of their visits.
We teach them and provide encouragement along the way without ever judging them.
We have enjoyed their presence in our lives from the day they were born.
But how do you cope with the addition of a fully functioning family ?
Separation and divorce, then new relationships can be a time  fraught with many challenges.
When adult children bring a complete family in to combine with the current family group that has functioned without a problem ,then there is a likelihood of a very demanding time ahead.
Our adult children had given us 5 grandchildren then a new relationship began and so it became 9.
We struggled to learn about these four new kids in our family as we knew very little about them.
What foods did they like or which footy teams did they follow.
And they also had to cope with the difficult times of being shared between their Mum and their Dad .
It is difficult to expect the extended family  to accept the arrival of new ready made relatives.
But it is generally the adults who put up the road blocks.
Kids themselves are accepting and non judgemental.
The important things in their lives are dolls or trucks or now we have enough for a descent game of footy or cricket.
To intermix two families has been stressful but we have seen all nine grandkids share fun and laughter over the years.
Unfortunately these times have disappeared from our family life.
Problems have arisen by adult relatives with the intermixing of our new grandkids. It should be realised that a family is a family whether they are step kids or step parents. You should not single out two in a family for  recognition and forget about the others.
We find great enjoyment in our "non blood" grandkids. They are well mannered and respectful and full of fun. And they call us Nan and Pop.
As grandparents we now have more grandkids to shower us with love !

Six of our grandkids. The two youngest are our  sons children then we have his four step kids.