The Last Goodbye

You hop in the car, give a small wave and yell a quick    " bye, see ya later "

                                                    But could it be the last goodbye ?

We never really know and it is something that we probably never give a second thought too.
But why would you if the recipient of that good bye is young, fit and healthy.

We all need to accept that it could be a last goodbye !

I wonder how many of us have had a time in our past when  a goodbye was the last, due to a sudden unexpected passing .

A sudden passing while under anaesthetic for a simple operation or being treated for a simple illness or even just taking part in a favourite sport.

Do we still regret not giving a hug or continuing the conversation,  rather than brushing off the person , as you had other things to do !

Many people from the poorest , right through to royalty can regret a quick goodbye. How sad for two young boys to have their mother killed in a car accident a few hours after they quickly ended a goodbye chat on the phone, as they wanted to go and play.

If you have ended a goodbye too quickly or too early then that guilt can play on you for many years.

Will you regret not spending more time saying goodbye to  your loved one as you are both leaving and heading your separate ways for the day ?

How do you say goodbye and hold no regrets if the inevitable happened ?

I don't think it would matter how you said goodbye, you would still have regrets !

You would still carry guilt.

                                We never realise what we had until we longer have it

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The Haze - life has changed

The Haze

In the blink of an eye they were gone

But were they

Or were they just hiding in the shadows.

Did you see them peer out from behind a tree ?

Did you hear a voice whisper in your ear ?

Did you smell the scent that you always associated with them ?

But it was all just wishful thinking

Hoping that it was all just a dream

Someone that healthy and happy could not just “go”

Not that quickly

Not without warning

Not without a hug and a goodbye

It was a haze

A haze of hope and wanting.

Wanting them back in your life.

But it will not be

The coffin has descended

Walk away

Life has changed forever

Family Photos

I had walls full of family photos.
Photos of such happy times.
Smiling faces, arms around each other.
But then the apocalypse happened and everything changed.
My walls are now bare.
I threw many out.
Some I just stored in boxes in the shed.
Why would I want them on display.?
Were they really happy times, or were people just pretending to be happy.
I loved taking photos, just to have a record of happy days.

My kittens at our rented farm house in Rochester when we were first married

I still take photos
And I still have some photos on display; my parents and grandparents.
And my grandchildren, from many years ago, as what did they do !
They are just innocent parties to their parents and others egos.
And why !

Do you have boxes and boxes of old photo albums ?
What do all those photos mean to you
What does a photo show us about the subject being photographed.
Do you see how difficult their life was.
The state of their clothes or their living conditions. Or all those interesting occupations.

To have a photo like this is just amazing for family history.

Photos show many emotions
Can you see the sadness in someone's  eyes.
The glint in the eye from a child's happiness
Or is guilt showing through.

Photos will not hide the increase in weight which may be a sign of too much living the high life or even overeating to hide the feelings of guilt.
Perhaps there is pride in a newly slim body due to a exciting exercise regime

So I always loved going through my photos and recalling happy times.
Now all those happy times are just tinged with sadness.

And many photos are now just lying at the tip !

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How do you treat people ?

Ask yourself a question.
How do you treat people who have  a disability?
Makes you think doesn't it !

There are so many types of disabilities and so many degrees of seriousness of these disabilities that the way you treat people will be somewhat varied.
But at the end of the day respect is what is needed.

These days with political correctness everywhere, everyone needs to be careful what is said and about whom. For example  it seems to be fair game to make fun about  supporters of a football team from a lower socio economic suburb, but that just shows how some people think so little about others. It may be fun and good for laughs, but at who's expense.
And what are children being taught, that it is okay to make fun of people. Children need to learn that it is what  is inside a person that is important and not their income or looks. Because you do not look perfect or spend many hundreds of dollars on designer clothes, or live in an affluent suburb and draw a large wage , that does not mean that you are a lesser person.

In a small way I know what it is like to be the subject of a discussion on disability. You see I was the subject of a social media post stating that I was suffering from a serious mental health issue.  It is quite confronting to see such untruths  posted about you . But it was interesting how much it backfired. No body believed what was written but everyone's comment was exactly the same. " So if you do have this serious problem where is the support from family that should be offered to someone that clearly needs it " So it became quite clear that those who should have offered support and help just turned and walked away.

So is there a difference how people  treat those with a disability ?

It seems that often support may only be offered on a selective basis

Since there has been a change in the family dynamics I now see things differently. Maybe I was blind to many things that happened or perhaps I saw , but did not believe.
For that I am sorry.
Now I am far from perfect and I do not pretend that I have always been an angel but in this journey called life, we are meant to grow and learn
And  I have learnt !
And I am content and happy with the way that I treat people

We all come across people with disabilities in various parts of our life. They are no longer hidden away but many are out in the community, even working in shops or serving in cafes. And it is fabulous to see them conversing with members of the public and enjoying life.
But how do some people treat them.

And how are carers treated. As they also deserve respect and bucket loads of support.

In our family we do have members who have disabilities. Not serious intellectual problems, or physical problems which require round the clock care. But they deserve help and respect.

My beautiful niece has her assistance dog to calm her and help her feel comfortable in new situations. When we have had Willow to stay she has been a fabulous house guest and cleaner and more polite than some humans. I guess I was a conversational subject by some family members, regarding Willow as a house guest,  but we had had a dog for 15 years so having a dog inside was not alien to me.
My niece and Willow are a package deal, you can't have one without the other. I don't understand why some have told her that she should be able to go out without Willow, as she will be with people so should be able to cope.
This attitude  shows that people do not want to understand the difficulties that she faces on a daily basis. She needs support, not people questioning her coping devices.

Our son cares, and supports his wife who suffers from epilepsy. Life has not been great for them and each day brings difficulties. A day planned can quickly become unplanned. A seizure happens without any prior warning. Sadly it is difficult for them to even attend family events. Funds are always short and transportation is just another problem.
They also have to organise shared parental care with their family of six blended children, so that often throws a spanner in the works as well. Pity that they have been ostracised by family members . No sympathy or help offered for her disability.
The children missing out on continuing relationships with other family members. Children need to be able to have support from many family members, not segregated from some, as all people in families can give different types of love and encouragement.

I often wonder if family support would make a difference to the mental health of both sufferer and carer. Can it be seen to be selective. Maybe these days givers of support  need to be seen so they can receive pats on the back or plenty of brownie points.

If this is what is happening now then I have missed something regarding human behaviour.
What a sad world that we live in !!!

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Catholicism, Hypocrisy and a lapsed catholic

Lately the Roman Catholic religion is featuring quite often in all media. And with good reason.
And it will be a long time yet before media outlets are tired of writing articles about the Roman catholic faith and all its  problems from years now long gone.

I am a lapsed catholic. And I will remain a lapsed catholic.
There are many of us around and like myself, many had deserted the faith before the stories of paedophilia had hit the news stands.

Myself and my sisters and brother attended a catholic primary school ,with only the eldest continuing on with a catholic secondary education.
As I have matured I realised that I faced many difficulties in my time at primary school, and in fact I hated it.
It was not a time of fun or laughter or a time where great friendships were formed. Mind you I did make one  long time friend ( Louise is her name ) who also  attended the same secondary school with me and  I am very pleased to say that we have  recently reconnected.

I know that school is not meant to be fun and just a place of learning but catholic schools, all those years ago were places where punishment was metered out on a regular basis

The majority of catholic primary schools in the 1950's or  1960's  would have been pretty much the same.
                    Why were the nuns so cruel. That was not Gods way!

They did not bat an eyelid when striking pupils with the wooden ruler or pointer. And it did not matter whether it was boy or girl: both were fair game.

The rules were strict at school. State schools and catholic schools had very similar rules but catholic schools added other rules which needed  to fit in with the catholic religion.
Numerous times you were asked on a Monday morning what the subject of the sermon was at Sunday mass. And whoa be tied if you did not know. And if you tried to make up a sermon from another church you would be caught out and punished
Yes primary school also meant you must attend  Sunday mass . And as children you were governed by your parents' actions so if they did not go, then neither did you. On very rare occasions we would make the long walk to mass without our parents.

My first Communion Day

When you completed grade six it was expected that you would continue on to a catholic secondary school. Well I defiantly chose to go to a state run secondary college across the road from our house. That choice caused much  upheaval amongst the school community. I would receive beatings by the head nun until I bowed to pressure to agree to attending a catholic secondary school. Which I never did ! I would not give in and I continued to stand up to her. It only stopped once the parish priest visited my father who also stood up for my decision.
So my choice of secondary education was set.

Hypocrisy  was on show constantly through out primary school.

If you were from one of the wealthy parish families who also happened to attend church on Sunday you were fine but the poorer families seemed to be looked down upon. We had kids in our grade who struggled to learn and some who also came from very poor households but help was never around.

The school fee system was an envelope that you needed to bring weekly  and containing a certain amount of money. I never knew how much but it was a rare occasion when we had money to contribute, so you were made an example of in front of the class.

So where did the part about looking after those less fortunate than others disappear to.

As an Altar Girl I never really thought about the value of the jewel encrusted garments that priests wore, or the golden chalices adorning the altar. But now I wonder why is all that necessary. The picture that I have in my head of Christ is him being adorned in brown robes and leather sandals. So why is there so much money in the Roman Catholic Religion. They have become a very wealthy entity
    So now , looking back the hypocrisy was rife.

The beatings, the discrimination of the poor, the show of great wealth all  go against what I was taught.

If we went for a walk to see our Aunt and Uncle and cousins some times we could take the longer way via an orphanage. We were always told by the nuns that they were naughty children who were locked up and we were forbidden to talk to them. Looking back ,how sad that was for those children, seeing us on the outside enjoying freedom. They would be peering through the locked gate and trying desperately to make has talk to them .The stories about life inside that orphanage that have now come to light are so very harrowing. Those poor kids. And they were cared for by a religious order.

      Hypocrisy at its finest again.

We did marry in the catholic church but I never put pressure on hubby to join the catholic faith. He had to attend lessons but the parish priest must have thought he was alright as they spent many hours just playing billiards.
So our wedding was never a problem and all catholic relatives were pleased that we were married in our local church.
I did not have much to do with the church for some time after our wedding

My parents had a very tumultuous relationship with moments of abuse constantly happening.
There was a time when the parish priest declared to my Mother that she must accept her husband and just forgive him. What the  !!!!. So it is okay for a man to beat his wife. Nothing said to him by the priest I might add. Yes the beatings continued until she left him.

The very difficult time we had was when our dear mother passed away. We knew we had to choose a place for the funeral so we settled on the local catholic church where we all went to primary school.
Being  either in our twenties or teenage years we were not skilled at  organising a funeral but looking back we got most things right. A funeral is a day of great sadness and most things just happen in a blur but one thing I can remember is a comment to the congregation by the priest.
                 "And we offer our sympathy to.... yes our dear Dad for the loss of his wife ! "
How dare that priest. My parents were divorced and he used to beat her when they were together.                 
                                          Hypocrisy at it again !

Why would I want to remain in a religion when abuse is acceptable !
My mother was worth more than the church to me so that finished it . I believed that by removing myself from the roman catholic religion that I would be  protecting my mothers memory.
I could not be a hypocrite  and pray with a religion that had such double standards

Our son ,who was born 12 months after  my mother died ,was never baptised even though our two daughters who arrived a few years earlier were.

                      I do not understand the hypocrisy of the catholic faith.

What makes a good catholic
Are you a good catholic if you go to church every Sunday or attend those special church services, like Easter or Christmas. Do you believe that these actions will get you through the pearly gates at judgement time.
Do you treat your family badly , or are you a business person who rips the public off. But then thinks that a visit to the confessional will clear all your sins.

I suppose in some ways religion has moved with the times but the damage has been done. And this can be proven by those Catholics who have now disowned the faith that they were brought up to honour.
The actions of a certain section of the priest hood that is now being told also is something that disgusts me. How cruel to all those children. Certainly not what religion is about.
I  cannot stand by a church where priests felt that it was alright to use children as their sexual objects. The amount of people who's lives have been destroyed is phenomenal and I feel a great deal of sorrow for all the victims.
I believe that if you want to follow a religion that there will be one out there that suits your beliefs and lifestyle.
I just find that there is way too much hypocrisy and I just keep thinking " Suffer the little children who come unto me "
And aren't they suffering. No one protected all those little children


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A Grandmothers Funeral

Today I went to a funeral.
A funeral of a lady who I had never met.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not a person who hunts out funerals just so I can have a good cry!
No, this lady was someone who needed help to maintain her garden, so my husband very happily obliged.

She was a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother.
And she was so well loved
And that made me so very sad because it really hit me as to how bad our situation was.
So I shed tears at a funeral of a lady who I had never met !

Grandchildren spoke about how much they loved their Nan. They spoke about how they loved to share their achievements with their Nan. Yes they got great enjoyment about letting their Nan be the first person to learn of their special news.

And you know what !

We are not even allowed to know anything about the achievements of our grandchildren.
It seems like they are not encouraged to "ring Nan and Pop " to share their news. And not even in our world where electronic media is everywhere, to send an email.
We find out at a later date that they have excelled at a sports carnival or been chosen to be a leader at school.

I wonder what our grandchildren will remember about us. Will they remember the great hot potato chips that Poppy cooked to go with the home made meat pie.

Will they remember the box of strawberry frogs that we always had in the cupboard for those special treats.

Or will they remember that there was a time when they were denied a relationship with us. A time when the school holiday sleepovers stopped because they were sent to another relative.
A time when all those  family gatherings no longer include Nan and Pop; the grandparents who had been with them from the day they were born.

As they mature they will quickly learn how and why their lives changed.

I wonder what part Karma will play in the future.

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Confrontation

Confrontation exists but it needs to be managed so everyone can be content in life.

Confrontation.
So what is confrontation ?
How would you explain the meaning of  confrontation ?
I guess we would all have a general idea of what confrontation means. But then I think some of us would define it differently to others.

Some would call a discussion , confrontation, whereas to me , outright fisticuffs is definitely confrontation. And during a conversation if one side is throwing around words filled with hate and nasty overtones , and you become fearful, then that is confrontation.

And not all  confrontation is a bad thing. It is the way that we deal with it and the way that we let any conflict affect us that is important.

If that confrontation results in a problem being resolved peacefully, then that is a good thing.

I remember all those times when it was " Mother versus toddler ". Oh dear how difficult those arguments were. It is so hard to reason with a toddler !  As a parent you are trying to retain some level of authority which is needed for the peaceful running of the household, but how often does a child have different ideas. So take a moment to think about it.  Do you call this confrontation ?  Interesting isn't it.

There is generally a variety of different types of conflict and confrontation in a household. But children also need to learn, that in the big wide world, there is a hierarchy of authoritarianism and it is up to you to  teach them that throughout life there will be rules that must be obeyed.

Parents need to teach their children the art of conversation so , when they are older, they are able to effectively argue their rights, so they are not walked all over .

Yes, life is tough !

When children commence school they can be faced with nasty kids who can make school days difficult. There can be confrontations, either physical or verbal, in the school ground ,or on the way to or from school. Nowadays schools have plans in place to deal with these situations.

Over the years I have seen many of my friends have quite vocal discussions with their partners. It could be raised voices about something simple like forgetting to put the bin out or not feeding the dog. I do not call this confrontation, but others may. There is no malice or hatred in the words even though voices are raised. But if this type of argument is common place then there is a problem between the pair .

If you have been brought up in a house where the love in that family is long gone, then that will colour the view of life that you will have. Your life may have been filled  with the sounds of raised voices and hatred ; and not the conversations filled with words of love. Which parent do you want to take after ? Which parent do you want to be like ? Ae you frightened that you will take on mannerisms of the nasty parent !

This is where you must take a stand and be determined that you will be a pleasant and likeable member of society.

But there will be times in life when you will need to " man up " And that does not mean that you are being confrontational.  If you are in a restaurant and your meal is not quite right, what do you do. Pay for something that you cannot eat and just decide never to eat there again. Or do you explain the problem to the staff and have it rectified.

There needs to be a time in all our lives when we need to stand up for what we believe in. Not because you want to be a person who starts an argument but because there needs to be a time that you need to look after yourself.

Imagine how mentally down trodden you would feel if you just let people walk all over you , if you had no choice in anything that did affect you. Just because you believed that if you spoke up that you would be marked as a confrontational person. I wonder what sort of relationship it would be if  one person was making all the decisions, because one partner has a stronger personality than the other.  I would think that the relationship would eventually fail.

In any marriage or partnership their needs to be discussions to resolve problems that are arising. These are not confrontations. These are discussions. Yes, maybe the voices get raised. But at the end there will generally be a resolution. I have been married for 43 years and yes, we have had some heated discussions, but I have never called them confrontations.

Sadly I have seen some nasty and hate filled conversations between married couples. Where one partner enjoys putting the other one down in front of friends or family. A truly mentally abusive relationship, and a very nasty way to be confrontational.

So the trick is to learn how to manage confrontation. It is out there, and it is very difficult to stay away from. There will be times when you can walk away but there will also be times when you need to be able to reason through a problem, not just ignore it and hide away from it

As it will still be there. And it will forever eat at you if it is not resolved.

When you have resolved a major problem by sitting and talking it through, then you will feel very content and mentally relaxed.

Be strong

                                             Sit and discuss it, as silence solves nothing !

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